by Abi Go
Before I begin, I have to warn you that I am currently driven by emotions and I am barely looking at the screen as I type. If you are the kind of person who cringes at another person’s display of emotions, then maybe it would be wise to close the window and I would not mind if you do so. I wouldn’t know anyway.
I rarely write, and I write only when I have to, or when I am utterly inspired and happy which is even rarer. So thank goodness because that is why I am writing right now. It is funny how emotions could be so fickle and how I could go from thinking that today would be as sad as yesterday to believing that today is so breathtakingly beautiful that I wonder why I thought otherwise.
In my case, not wanting to get out of bed is perfectly normal, but not wanting to go to school is … alarming. Nevertheless, that was exactly how I started my day. I was dragging my feet around and taking my time, and as a result, I left home later than usual. I thought for sure that I would be late, but for once, I could not find it in me to care. However, things do not always happen as you expect them to happen. I arrived ten minutes early.
And then we were talking about il y a, and we were plunged into darkness and brought out of it. Something in me was awakened, something I could not identify, but it is there, and there it is. My hand was shaking when I raised it, yet still I was unusually determined, so I kept it in the air and refused to retreat. Odd enough, I am not the type to recite, because every single time I do, my whole being shakes.
Maybe it wants to be free, but is afraid to be?
Today, I recited twice and I cannot explain how it happened. It just made sense. And like Nike, I just did it. When I began to think about it, I went from gradual realization to startling awareness … that I have been in il y a all along. That thing in me is wide-awake and eager to tear me into two and come out of me. It became a need for me to speak up. Stand out.
And exist.
So I did. And I felt free, happy, and more alive than yesterday. The experience was so very ordinary when taken at face value, but it had been extraordinarily humbling and rejuvenating for me. Maybe I am being overly dramatic, or maybe it is just coffee talking, but I could not care less.
Life is not to be postponed. Step out of yourself and stand out today.
Hi Abi! This is a very inspiring post! May you continue to "speak up, stand out, and exist". :D
ReplyDeleteI'm happy that you have moved away from Il y a into "Being" in the class discussion. I can see that it really took a lot of courage for you to raise your hand and share your thoughts to a class of about 60-70. :)
ReplyDeleteI really found your entry to be very inspiring, that it makes me ask myself, "How can I do it too?" Like or possibly like you, I'm not really one to recite, for I fear that maybe I'd end up saying the wrong things, or that i might get my words jumbled up again due to pressure. I admit, however that there are times when I feel my insides stirring up, wanting to say something, but compared to what you did that day, I would've ended up not doing anything. Only to later regret and be fixated on the fact that i could've said something for once. I guess, I haven't exactly found enough courage to do so, but someday I'd like to experience those kinds of feelings you had that time. :) since it must feel really good to make yourself known to others.
you're not being overly dramatic, because if that is what you feel, then it must be meaningful enough for you. :) And somehow, it becomes so for me, because now, i feel that i should try and speak up for myself, but it's probably better for me if i do it a little at a time. :) Thanks for sharing what you felt, and that you may continue to "Speak out".. :)
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ReplyDeleteHey Abi! I do notice that you rarely speak in class and when you do, you have a little shakiness in your voice. I just want to empathize with you and say that I know what it means to not want to get out of bed. To not want to go to school. I've only started feeling this feeling this semester. I am physically in school but my mind is elsewhere.
ReplyDeleteAlthough, I am quite opposite you when it comes to reciting. When I feel like I need to say something I do say it. But you know what? In Philosophy class, I'm just like you. I don't like to speak up, even though, I have a question. And this begs to question why, right? Well, I think it's because I feel like if I will be judged by others in the things that I ask. I feel stupid sometimes for asking questions and I really don't know why I only feel this way in Philosophy. I hope I can have the courage to ask the things and say the things I feel when I'm in that class.
Thank you for your inspirational words. And Abi, "Just do it." :)
**I shall keep that in mind.
Hokulea Cabrera
PH102 A
I completely agree with what you wrote here about living in the il y a. Doc G's explanation on what it means to be in the "there is" hit me hard too. Last week, I participated in a conference with over 150 people, but unfortunately, I felt as if I hadn't participated enough. I kept wondering why it bothered me so much until finally yesterday's lecture brought the answer to my consciousness. I was stuck in the il y a, when I should have existed, when I was called to "be". It was the overwhelming number of people in the room, and the fact that many of them knew so well how to "be". While I, lacking in self-confidence, found it so difficult to resist the fear of humiliation in order to truly exist. Thinking about it now fills me with regret but also with hope that the il y a can be overcome, that fear can be beaten, and that I, like you, can stand out and be .
ReplyDeleteI think that in your experience of "just doing it", you have actually become authentic. For me, to be authentic is similar to being. We are often caught in the middle ground, "il y a" because it is easy and comfortable. We're afraid of being nothing, but then we are also afraid of being because it entails responsibilities and a sense of accountability. This usually has stress involved with it and it's not something that is really designed to make us happy.
ReplyDeleteBut when we finally decide to choose to be (ex. to speak up in class), we exert that extraordinary effort of getting our of that middle ground and stepping into that state of Being. We exist and become authentic in a sense. The being is Being. Abi's experience is a simple experience often neglected, but it actually is a good example of what it means to be authentic.
Being authentic, yes. :D
DeleteAbi, the happiness you felt and talked about after our Philo class that day was so infectious! :) Your account is so concrete and very relatable. There are just days when the struggle with il y a seems even more difficult than usual, but that doesn't make it impossible to just go with that call to exist. In fact, as what happened with you, it reminds us that there is the extraordinary in what we think is ordinary (like getting to school earlier than expected, and reciting in class!) that existence is beautiful and can be found in every day, if we choose to take courage even in the fact of the dread and fear that come with il y a. Also, in sharing your experience, you have inspired others to take courage.
ReplyDeleteI really love how you wrote this, and the lines you ended this with will be kept with me, so much that I feel the need to quote you - "Life is not to be postponed. Step out of yourself and stand out today." :)
Jiane Castro
PH102 - A
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ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. :) This discussion of il y a made me realize that life's too short to keep on holding back, and now I understood what NIke really meant about "Just Do It." We're always afraid of putting ourselves out there - fearing what we would become, what we might come across. But really, we would never experience how life if we don't step out. I've read a quote once that says something along the line of, "the moment you step out of your comfort zone is the moment you start living." And it's true that it's better to be engaged, to take control and to seize every moment because everyday isn't the same. We might miss a chance in life because we were afraid TO BE. If we keep on waiting, holding back, taking a rain check, we will never experience the abundance of life.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how that feels like! Sometimes I'm doing fine but sometimes I just feel like I'm just not doing enough. Sometimes I feel so pressured to recite because my classmates in Philo can really ask the most intelligent questions.. Ones that I've never even thought of even thinking about. I'm still waiting for the day wherein I can surprise myself with recitation. Hahaha. But it's glad to know someone has finally stepped up. :)
ReplyDeleteAbi, you have just shaken what usually shakes you. :D
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on coming out of il y a! :) You're a really good writer! It's as if I'm seeing this happen as I read it. From this post, I can see that the everyday experiences we deal with always revolve around philosophy - from the start of the day until the very end. Although we experience a day in different manners, we are still able to go through the same things such as il y a. It is truly a struggle to break out of this il y a, especially when we have our Philo class at 9 AM, but in the end, we are awakened as we learn more about philosophy and the world that surrounds us.
ReplyDelete-M. Cua, Ph102 A