Weakness and Vulnerabliity

Being vulnerable doesn’t make you weak.

In being responsible for the Other, we have to learn how to be vulnerable. Some people see this as a negative thing but because of what I learned in class, I see it as the complete opposite. The word vulnerable comes from the word vulnera, which in Latin, means wound. And that was exactly what I had on the left side of my chest when my ex boyfriend ripped my heart out and broke up with me (I know this is way too dramatic but hey, philosophers like to exaggerate sometimes too, right?). Wounds aren’t beautiful things. They are signs of hurt, imperfection, mistakes, etc. But we tend to forget the most basic thing about wounds: they are open. And that is how we should be too. We should open ourselves to the Other and to the other Others. Once we make ourselves vulnerable and open ourselves up, that is when we can start being responsible to the Other.

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Dear Other,

Maybe I never should have dated you.

I’m not going to lie and say that we were the perfect couple; we were far from it. Honestly, you were the worst boyfriend I’ve had (but one of the bestest friends I’ve ever had). I wasn't exactly the happiest when I was with you. I felt miserable, used, unimportant, overlooked, underappreciated, and all that, but don’t get me wrong, I still had the time of my life. For some reason, I still managed to find happiness despite all those other feelings. All our good and happy times found a way to cover up all the fights, misunderstandings, and mini break-ups we had. Like all those times we would just stare at each other and end up laughing; the times we would have who-gets-to-sleep-on-whose-lap contests; the times you let me baby you and stroke your hair to fall asleep; the times you let me be grumpy then find a way to cheer me up... Those were the times when I was really truly happy. I thought that that would be enough to keep our relationship going.

But then you slipped even farther away, gave me all these empty promises, threw away all the second chances I gave, and eventually (and so unexpectedly), you just gave up on me -- you gave up on everything. What hurt me the most was knowing I wasn’t worth it. All I asked was that you meet me halfway. It wasn’t fair that I was doing everything to try to keep the relationship going… It wasn’t fair but I didn’t mind. Believe me, I could’ve waited for you to come around for a very very long time. The last thing I wanted was to lose you and that was exactly what happened.

I was depressed, broken, sad, confused, and everything else any normal person would feel after a break up. I tried to hate you and be angry because I thought it would be an easier way to cope with things but I couldn’t find it in myself to do that. Instead, I started hating myself. I beat myself up because I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. I tried to be strong and be normal but fuck that; I wasn't kidding anyone. I broke down and went crazy. I couldn’t eat or sleep. I couldn’t concentrate on doing anything school-related and ended up just spacing out during class. That's when I came up with a theory about us. And for some reason, it made me feel better. It's a bit sad but also strangely comforting at the same time.

You and I, we were never really together. We've always just been best friends but I got in way too deep and you never really jumped in. I understand why you ended it. A relationship is made up of two people and a relationship fails because of both of them. I had my faults too and I accept that now. I tried my best and it was more than enough; just not for you. We just weren't meant to be anything more than best friends. Like I said, we were good that way. I do believe that you love me, just not in the same way that I loved you. But we'll always love each other -- as best friends. You said things that hurt me and left me broken but I realized that I don’t hate you and I'm not angry. And surprisingly, I don’t even hate myself. I realized that I could lose my boyfriend, but there was no way in hell I could lose my best friend.

I won't try to convince you to take me back. We tried it once, put our friendship on the line, and almost lost it. Why would we want to commit the same mistake twice, right? I'm not saying that dating you was a mistake; I just don’t want to risk losing my best friend again.

And it's not like I have to be with you in order to love you and want you to be happy. I've been doing that for years before we decided to take our friendship to another level, and I could do it forever… actually, I will do it forever … or for as long as you let me.

Maybe I never should have dated you. But because I did, I learned how to be a more patient, tolerant, understanding, loving, and vulnerable person.

Maybe I never should have dated you. But I’m thankful I did.

Love,
I.